its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
