Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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