Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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