The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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