Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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