I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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