Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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