Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
