I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize