now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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