someone get that fucking seahorse.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
