she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize