Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
