Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
