My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I looked at my own cervix.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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