wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize