It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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