Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
im drinking this country out of the recession.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
