I haven't been this sober since birth.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Also, beer. Big fan.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
