My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
