i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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