wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
