maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
