I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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