Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize