a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
