Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize