I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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