my sisters under your porch take her home
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
