my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I fill condoms, not promises.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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