the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
