My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
