I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
