this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
