for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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