I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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