if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
