Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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