she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
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