Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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