i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
