I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
My balls are so social today.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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