oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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