why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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