remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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