I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
