oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
