It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
