I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
