Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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