Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize