Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
