i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
