i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
