Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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