I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
