New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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