well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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