I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize