There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
