My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
