i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize